Thoughts on a rainy Monday

It’s been six months since I left the full-time desk job, and I’ve been learning to live with a lot less.

There are days like this rainy Monday, when I intensely miss my desk on the second floor. The office would have become unnaturally cold. Singapore turning into Scandinavia. A mynah, koel or pigeon might have decided to roost by the old ventilation hole nestled in the walls above us. An air conditioner that became overzealous in its later years.

circa July 2017

But it was a warm place. The people made it so. And the lighting, of course.

In Japanese, the word ‘to miss’ also uses the same character for ‘love’.

I miss and love my old life. I miss hearing people laugh behind me, the ringing of the doorbell and “coming!!!!”, the scraping of chairs against the hardwood floors, the smell of auntie’s coffee, the hard hit of the enter key from the furthest corner of the office. It is something to pull myself out of the clutter I surrounded myself with, to take myself out of a failing equation which was my self-esteem and pride, to realise that I will not find happiness in another pair of shoes or another box delivered by the unreliable postman. Every new client I meet, every new office I step into, I’m reminded of who I left.

There are days like today where I feel utterly lost and uncertain of what I’m doing now. The only thing I’ve got going for me now is that I know WHY I’m doing this. I’m living with fewer people and physical objects and maybe by this process of subtraction, I’ll eventually solve the problem that is myself.

Today’s just one of those days.

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