5 months and 10 drafts later

feet bathed in light

I’m not acing this “regular blog update” thing, am I? Not that updating my blog is a test or anything, but I suppose there is a fair amount of disappointment involved in my lack of writing.

feet bathed in light
These are feet.

Not that I haven’t been writing. In fact, I’ve been writing a lot more than I had planned. I had really meant for this time to be a break but I got a little restless, didn’t want to say no (because “new experiences” right?) and ended up with a small writing practice five months later.

But obviously, I’m exaggerating. I don’t have a “writing practice” unless you count one woman banging away on her keyboard as such. I went ahead and made everything official anyway because of taxes and all that adulting. I also wanted something to work towards.

My husband has been trying to get me to do something completely different as a form of therapy and I’ve been resisting.

“Oh I’ve already promised this brand that I’d write for them,” I’d say. Or “I’m busy writing for this other project.”

They’re all an excuse in some form or the other.

Don’t get me wrong. The work I’m doing now? It gives me a sense of calm that I desperately needed. I get a brief, I ask questions, I plan the strategy, I write, I get feedback. Most of the time the feedback is good, sometimes I need to work on something a bit more. The sense of accomplishment I get from working on something from start to finish, all by myself, is rebuilding my confidence little by little. I’m far from being “great” but I’m “okay” right now and I’ve learned to accept that.

But yes, back to making excuses. I know that getting out of my comfort zone is deeply disturbing for me. It never used to be this difficult and I could have sworn that I embraced it. Having to speak directly to clients, manage them and the budget, has been incredibly stressful. Especially when things don’t go the way I want. Money (and the lack of it) is always haunting me at the back of my mind.  There are some days when I honestly question myself about leaving a stable job working with people I genuinely respect and love.

These are all things I still need to work out.

But here’s what I do know.

I’m taking the time to work slow and not focus on the end goal. I’m teaching myself how to restructure my thoughts and sentences. I’m starting to have feelings other than despair, disappointment, and insecurity. There are some days when I genuinely feel content. Most of the time, I’m learning to be a better me.

And even after 5 months of doing “nothing” and a ton of unpublished drafts, I guess that’s a lot to be proud of.

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